In this path of discovering myself, I
made a conscious choice not to let my son’s illness define
me or allow it to be the focus of my blog. The truth is that I am affected by
it day in and day out. Life has just not been the same and even when he does
get better the traumatic memories will forever be embedded in me in the form of
anxiety. I have to work hard at motivating myself to perform the simplest task.
I loved writing in the past and I would never get writers block, my ideas use
to flow easy, I could read a book in a day, but things have completely changed.
Research
shows that one out of three parents is afraid of losing their jobs due to an
ill child. The honest, I was definitely the one of the three. I was more than
delighted when my husband concurred with my decision to leave my company. My
paranoia of getting fired was so intense that I wanted to beat my general
manager to the “punch”. I turned in my resignation letter to the shock of
everyone in the company, because I second in charge and worked hard to acquire that
position, I wanted to leave at the top of my game. I have a hard time loosing
and trying to juggle a full-time job and a child who constantly needs medical
attention, was definitely a losing battle. The irony is that, though I know
that I may suffer from some type of depression, I don’t
even have the time to wallow in any kind of negative thoughts, as the primary
care giver for my son, I have to stay focused and be the central support system
for him.
The fear does not
only stop at the work place it also transcends into personal relationships.I lost a lot of friends as well. I now realize that I use to hang around some very shallow people. The
chances of being misunderstood by people is high because they may not don’t understand why you
cannot make it to their birthday party for the third year in a row because your child coincidentally has
to be admitted in the hospital for something that is beyond your control. I have am not into the whole group therapy or support group idea (yet), so at times the feeling of isolation surfaces now and then.
I handle it all on day at a time, I think of my child as my salvation, thus, If I think of lying I think of him and I don’t. I try to inspire myself and deal with the fact that this is what my life is and it is up to me to decide if I want to laugh one day or cry the other and sometimes maybe both.”There is nothing good or bad but thinking makes it so.”
Work cited:
Hamlet by William
Shakespeare
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