The journey that I am taking via this blog in discovering myself is not a journey that started today. I lost some part of myself in my family life because in any relationship you must compromise, whether it's respecting your partners space or giving up what use favorite show to spend time with your children.The truth is when one gives up simple pleasures resentment may settle in and one day you may find yourself asking yourself who am I?
I felt so lost for years because of my child's illness all I could think about was medications and medical terms. The rare moments that I would get away from home, I could still hear my son's machines beeping though I was miles away. The mental toll of caring for a child with special needs and submerging myself into it made me ever so thirsty for finding my own happiness regardless of the situation.
I set a goal of earning a degree in International Affairs. I started taking courses last Spring and for the the first time I felt good about doing something for myself. The opportunity to remove myself from my situation for a couple of hours was refreshing. I would be late for class numerous times because my son's nurses would call out or come late to work but my lecturers understood. My life was on track until one day, my brother called me and said that my father was ill. I look at the school calendar and planned to visit him in Sierra Leone in December. The following week I was feel horribly sick, I could not keep anything down, I had fevers at night . I found out that I was pregnant again with severe morning sickness that kept me in bed thus enabled me to keep up with my grades,then to make matters worst my brother confided in me and said he does not think my father will make it to December.
I felt like it was just one blow after the other . I was in a dark place, I then asked myself what can I do to stay afloat. I started to read the Dhammapada, a book that was a required text in one of my classes. I am Christian so even opening this book that laid out the doctrine of Bhuddah was sacrilegious in many ways. I read the book and was in awe of how we can train our minds to accept our circumstances yet be in peace with it. The process is not one that happens overnight it takes years to master.I wanted to be happy now!
In the quest of finding a happiness regardless of the circumstances I found out that; our human ability to be happy does not lye in our own hands, in fact research shows that the happiest people in the world surrender to a force bigger than themselves, thus, trusting in the force to fix whatever problems that they may be faced with. Joel Olsten, The Dalai Lama are among those who have trained themselves to surrender through prayer and meditation.
I am faced with a situation that I have no control over that exits in my everyday life routine, so I am training my self not to have any person or circumstances affect my emotions because I am learning to let go and let my faith handle the rest.
I ended up traveling to Sierra Leone in the middle of finals while I was four months pregnant. I received Ds in most of my classes and when I came back from seeing my father he died ten days later.I am back in school re tacking most my classes and still pursing my dream because I trust in a power grater than myself.
Take time out to check this link out:
http://www.businessinsider.com/how-to-be-a-happier-person-2012-10?op=1
Work Cited:
Can being religious make you happier?
Taking responsibility of your own happiness
Mariama,
ReplyDeletethe title of this post really drew me in to read more! I happy you found a blog topic that you can write about. As I was reading I could not stop until the end. First I want to say I am very sorry to hear about your father, and that i hope you are doing better coping with that even though it can be one of the hardest things to deal with on top of your son illness, making the appointment arrangement, and being sick/ pregnant yourself. I wanted to compliment your paragraph when you introduce your son's illness, you gave readers an image by mentioning the machines beeping and also i felt you gave readers a sense of emotion reading on in the post. I hope you are still focusing your goal to peruse a degree in international affairs. Maybe with your future blogs you can write more about how that degree interest you or what you plan to do with that degree. Also to incorporate some research, if it not too personal, maybe including research and educate others about your son's illness. Another idea i had is that when you were mentioning humans and our ability with the concept of happiness is including more facts or psychological causes of why humans think or handle with situations you are dealing with yourself. I am trying to help give ideas, because i felt you were struggling in the beginning of your blog.
I would like to thank you for your sugestions. I have been struggling with blogging and I look at your blog often to gain ideas. Your comment put alot of things into perspective for me. I may just write my analysis paper on the reason I had to discover myself again and include my son's illness in it as he is the main reason I got to this stage. Thank you!
DeleteThe great thing about what you are doing is that even though you had all of these downs (pregnancy, father dying, getting D's thus having to retake a ton of classes) is that you still didnt give up, you still stayed strong for your son, and for your father even after he passed. You need gave up. In my opinion, the first step in true happiness is accepting that things won't be perfect. And it seems life you've accepted that. Now you are on your way to true happiness and of course discovering you.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your kind words. This journey has been a difficult one but I am greatful that I have accepted, surrendered and trust. The battle is not mine alone.
DeleteTying the Knot and Kweku were right on the money with their feedback this week! Your post was engaging and thoughtful and I was tense reading it (I also *had* to get to the very end). Did you know that there is a medical term for what you are suffering with? It's called "compassion fatigue." Nurses get it and caretakers get it, too. People who are caring for others with severe sicknesses have it. My sister is also struggling mightily with it right now, as my mom is living with her (we're trying to get my mom to move in with me at least part of the time).
ReplyDeleteSo do what "Tying" suggests and add some research here so that you, at least, see that what your feeling is not strange; it's actually quite common. Sharing this commonality and research with readers is the next step in your academic journey!